9 ways to (not) hug a Norwegian
Photo: Ketut Subiyanto
It’s cold and dark outside, and a hug is one of the things we miss the most. But figuring out how to physically go about this in Norway is anything but simple.
1. An Unwanted Kiss on the Cheek
Norwegian greetings are quite formal. A firm handshake will suffice for either a man or a woman—unless you know the person, in which case a hug is expected. This "hug" follows the same approach as a kiss on the cheek in many other countries. So for years, I have been going in for a peck on the cheek, only to miss because the other person is on a completely different wavelength.
2. A Mouthful of Ear
Missing the cheek peck comes with many embarrassing pitfalls. You will never be more aware of your own kissing noise than when it goes unreciprocated. But the worst has to be the mouthful of ear.
The Norwegian hug is basically just a "pretend kiss," where one lightly presses cheeks together—like some sort of French Eskimo. However, if either person is unaware and actually goes in for a kiss, the ear can become an unwelcome destination for your soup coolers.
Some Norwegians might get scared if you go in for the peck on the cheek
3. Formal Greetings in Norway
The firm handshake mentioned above has its own pitfalls. In the UK, people shake hands with whatever pressure they choose—for better or worse. Here, however, the notion of Norwegians being very reserved goes right out the window if you’re caught giving a wet fish handshake.
“*****,” she said.
4. Choosing the Right Handshake
The decision between the standard missionary handshake and the arm-wrestler grip is a modern-day question for the ages. The latter is undoubtedly cooler, but if your partner misses the signal, you can end up in some sort of strange thumb war.
Don’t get me started on fist bumps, knuckle snappers, palm sweeps, and combinations thereof.
A dilemma not exclusive to Norway.
Thumb wars! It's on before you know it. Photo: Anna Pou
5. Back Slap and Clap
Unless you are playing a sport, I would advise against slapping people you have just met on the shoulder. Norwegians do not fight very often, but if they did, they would probably kick your butt. That being said, in the one fight I have seen on the streets of Trondheim, the two gentlemen in question mutually consented to take off their shoes beforehand—so it would probably be quite a gentle butt-kicking.
One thing is for sure: your shoulder slap will be returned with interest later in the evening.
6. The Viking Crush – When to Hug a Guy
As with the aforementioned Norwegian hug, the rules are different when you know the person from before. The key element here is understanding what counts as knowing somebody.
Don’t fret—you’ll find out soon enough. An unknown acquaintance will bend their entire body backward and squirm to avoid the unwarranted greeting. Whereas a known acquaintance will crush you with their Viking love.
Rock, meet Hard Place. Hard Place, meet Rock.
7. Special Situation #1 – Weddings
Norwegian weddings include a fantastic tradition where, when the groom goes to the toilet, all of the male guests get up, form a queue, and give the bride a hug and a kiss.
Having heard rumors of this, I personally made sure I was first in line at a recent wedding. It was only when I got back to my seat that I looked over and realized that everyone else was in a state of utter shock.
I had gone in and planted a wet smackeroo—right on the bride’s lips.
Because in my world of regular (attempted) cheek kissing, where is the exclusivity in kissing the bride on the cheek?
Got to get to grips with rule number one.
8. Special Situation #2 – Back from Somewhere Foreign
There does seem to be an allowance for continental cheek kissing for those freshly returned from holidays. Indeed, I have seen a double or even triple cheek kiss dished out without so much as a “thank-you, ma’am.”
I have yet to work out the how and when of this allowance—perhaps it has something to do with the strength of their tan?
9. Special Situation #3 – Christmas
You can now disregard everything I have just written because all formality goes out the window during Julebord season!
Just when I am coming to terms with my lips, the whole country turns on its head and becomes some sort of Arctic Saint-Tropez—all clutch bags, air kisses, and extroverted displays of emotion.
After 10 months of trying to keep a stiff upper lip, I am suddenly the uptight foreigner.
So kiss and be kissed, I say—I’ve been trying for years. Sooner or later, it’s going to catch on.
Photo: Andrea Piacquadio
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